The Novelty Wears Off

I’ve just arrived at Norwich, after having spent a day back in London to get in some time with my wife and cat.

And I’m starting to get over it.

Let me explain.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for this job – I am.
It’s not that I’m not having a good time – I am.
Sure, there have been some moments where I wasn’t exactly having fun – but that’s normal in any job. Sometimes, you just turn up and it’s another work day.

I’m just ready for this contract to be over so I can be back home with my wife and cat.
Back to normal.

I’ve said so many times before on this blog how hard it is for me to tour. It’s my first time ever doing so on this scale, and I’m glad I’ve done it. I don’t think I’ll ever do it again, however.

Leaving home today was hard. It took me back to when I left for the start of this tour. I was extremely anxious, extremely sad – to the point where I felt claustrophobic wearing my sleep mask and earplugs that first evening in Newcastle. Now, it’s not to that scale today – but it was still a reminder of just how over it I am.

With this feeling of being “over it,” came a mini-spiral about it; why am I feeling like this? Why am I over this contract? Then follows the feeling of shame: I SHOULDN’T feel like this. I should be grateful for this job. So many people would have KILLED for this job.

In the industry, us actors are always told that we should always be grateful for a job - and it's usually a tactic used by some producers to justify not paying us or exploiting us in a way that's not kosher. I've never personally experienced this, just to be clear. But I know people who have. It's a very toxic way of thinking, especially if the job isn't a fulfilling one - or in the worse-case scenario, an unsafe place to be. It took me a while, but I've learned to not buy into this way of thinking - and it's gotten me through the times when the contract wasn't fulfilling me in the way that I wanted it to.

And yet, it still pervades my thought process - which is why I had that mini-spiral.

I journaled about it, and I immediately felt better about it all.

This is an excerpt of what I wrote:

“Both things can be true; I can be grateful of this opportunity – and I can also be aware of the fact that it’s VERY hard for me to be away from home. I can be over it. I can yearn for the end.”

Both things can be true.

As I write this out, I become very aware of just how much of a first-world problem this is. Which then opens up the opportunity for me to even question why I’m feeling all of these feels in the first place. But then the time I've spent in therapy reminds me: it’s not that deep. The novelty of the job wears off. Fine. I’m feeling things about it. Fine. I’m very lucky and grateful that this is my job. Fine.

All this to say: it’s okay if the novelty wears off. It’s normal. This isn’t the first time it has happened to me, and it will not be the last. This is a job at the end of the day – like anything else. We just so happen to be very lucky that that job entails dressing up, playing pretend, and singing/dancing.

It’s what we do when it does wear off that can make or break our outlook.

Balance.

It’s very important to me to not buy in too much on either side of the spectrum: the blind optimism or the doom-and-gloom pessimism.

I’m just going to keep riding the waves as they come, and do what I need to do to stay afloat, keep my joy, and do my job as best as I possibly can.